Mommy I don’t feel good. (The sweetest sound I could have heard!)

24 May
It has been a roller coaster week of emotions for me.  For two years my daughter has had a condition that we have not been able to figure out.  We have been to nine doctors, from her local primary doctor, to a world -renowned expert, and everyone in between.  But for some reason, everyone can agree that there is an issue, but no one can diagnose precisely what the issue is.  For the most part, everyone has done a fairly good job of convincing me that she does not have a rare but serious disease and that her condition is not life-threatening, and the difficult part has been finding childcare for my other children during the times that we have had tests done or to drive longer distances for day trips to the doctors in other cities.  I have tried to remain strong, and I’ve done a pretty good job at it.  Normally an emotional person, I’ve kept myself in check, not shedding  a tear over this entire experience, fully believing that “rule out” tests were simply that:  ruling out remote possibilities and not likely chances of drastic diseases.  I have prayed and prayed and remained steadfast and faithful that God WILL bring us through whatever comes down this path.  Should we get an ugly diagnosis, we will deal with it, whatever it is.  Should we get a simple, easily treatable one, we will be abundantly thankful.  Either way, I have tried to look for the way we should glorify Him in this entire experience.  It’s been hard.  A three year old shouldn’t really have to bear burdens of life’s bigger issues, in my opinion.   

Of course there has always been that nagging feeling in the back of my mind, that “what if” factor that keeps me awake in the middle of the night, that makes me second guess every routine childhood illness, that creeps into my thoughts when she complains about simple aches and pains.   I have read and re-read to myself Proverbs 3:5-6: “Trust in Me, the Lord, with all your heart; and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Me, and I will direct your paths.”  Most of the time it works; I know He has us in his hands and Satan’s tempting thoughts of fear are chased away by loving thouths of God’s faithfulness to our family and thoughts that He WILL direct us.   

This week was tough.  Our whole physician team was re-worked.  One specialist sort of gave up on the whole thing.  Our primary physician is restructuring a plan for us.  Complicating matters are these bothersome little swollen lymph nodes that won’t seem to go back to normal.  This week those suddenly became a real issue.  And I didn’t like hearing that one bit.  It made everything seem very real, very scary, and much more than the superficial condition I was hoping this was.  It made it all seem like a real health issue, something we are really going to have to deal with.  If those nodes were swollen just to be swollen, that was a bad thing.  If they were swollen due to something else, like an ear infection or a virus, they  are considered “reactive” and that could be just a normal reaction.  (Although it wouldn’t really explain why she is sick so often, it would at least indicate that they are reactive instead of malignant.)  While I am usually very happy for a healthy report in the doctor’s office, that day I felt very unfortunate that there was no ear infection, no sore throat, no headache.  Nothing but a healthy looking kid.  With golf-ball sized lymph nodes.      

Wednesday I was at my Bible Study, what better place?!, and I asked them to pray for Boo.  I didn’t really want to get into the details and I didn’t want to get upset or worried about it, but I knew she needed the prayers.   While they prayed for her, I felt the tears coming.  First time in two years, mind you.  Unfortunately, I forgot all about Proverbs 3.  I just sat there and cried and cried.  Strangely, my Bible study leader, who knew nothing about my personal reading, said to me, “I don’t know why but this verse just came to me, and she quoted Proverbs 3:5-6.  I knew then that God was probably a little disappointed that I’d not done what He’d asked.  I wasn’t trusting in Him and I certainly wasn’t acknowledging Him.  I was just wallowing in self-pity and doubt and all the ugly things that Satan can plant in a fearful mother’s head.  

So I left there and screwed up my courage and faith and I have been repeating the Proverbs passage to myself ever since.   

And you know what?  We had to play hookey from church this morning.  Boo woke up with a sore throat.  A bad one.  Can’t eat.  Can’t sleep.  Can barely talk.  I’ve never been so glad for her to be sick in my life.  Those nodes are reactive.  At least for now, and I’ll take that.  it may not explain anything, but I won’t be leaning on my understanding.  I’ll just wait for His direction and take it from there.   

Whew.
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2 Responses to “Mommy I don’t feel good. (The sweetest sound I could have heard!)”

  1. Joy May 24, 2009 at 10:12 pm #

    My kids have never had an unexplained illness, but I understand your feelings I think. Don’t feel like your faith is weak because you cried. Your tears aren’t a weakness, but maybe just your way of releasing all control of the situation to your Father. I don’t remember the Bible every saying, “Blessed are those that can keep their tears under control.”

    Cry out to your Father. He wants to comfort you. 🙂

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